Are you living or just existing?

In a universe of endless possibilities, it is my belief that you were chosen to live this human experience. You were dealt a hand of cards that was meant only for you. Your family, the people you meet, the experiences you have, were all meant for you. And it isn’t all sunshine and rainbows. In the ebb and flow of life you will find joy, love and happiness along with the hurt, pain and sorrow.

How you choose to show up to this table of cards is entirely within your control. It begins and ends with you. Think of yourself as a cup. And into this cup you have a choice of what to pour inside of it: love or negativity. 

When you live a life outside of your alignment, you are likely to pour the negative things into your cup; things like doubt, worry, hate, resentment and a laundry list of other really murky things. And eventually that cup will flow over, affecting not only you, but the people and world around you. 

On the other hand, when you pour love, care, and positivity into your cup, into yourself, you overflow with those things. This is what it means to practice self love. When you love yourself, the universe loves you back tenfold. And this brings you closer to alignment with who you are meant to be.

When you learn to pour love into yourself, it’s as though you’ve put on rose colored glasses. Everything becomes a little more beautiful around you. And the things you need to let go of or distance yourself from becomes more evident. 

By allowing negativity into my life from my habits and people around me, I was pouring negativity into my own cup. I didn’t understand why I was constantly burned out, moody, depressed and lacked the energy needed to live the life I wanted. 

I allowed anyone, energy vampires included, to have access to me. Whatever energy I cultivated for myself was given away to anything and anyone who would have it because I was constantly seeking validation and approval. I didn’t understand how to set boundaries or that I even lacked them in the first place. 

I had way more limiting self beliefs. I was waiting for the gatekeepers to give me access to the life of my dreams instead of claiming it for myself. It is well within my power, as it is within yours. I wasn’t taking up space. I was living without purpose.

I didn’t realize that I was riding the train of unresolved generational trauma that I would pass on to my children one day instead of facing them and working through, but that is a topic for a whole different article. 

Partnered with self sabotage, I found myself in a cycle of people pleasing and failure of sticking to my boundaries which often led to episodes of depression. This was the majority of my life. My final straw was when I had a miscarriage in early 2021. I had sunken into a horrible depression and sort of went into hibernation mode.

During that isolation period I cut off contact from most of the outside world and realized that I had a choice to make. I can continue the old patterns that were no longer serving me or I can make a change that my future self will thank me for. I took a mental snapshot and started assessing my life.

Corny, but I started reading all the self help books I could get my hands on. I started journaling, meditating, cutting off toxic relationships, addressed the root of my traumas, took care of my mind, body and spirit, healed and got to know myself more than ever before. 

What I realized (recently) was that I was not actually living. I was merely existing. 

I made a decision that I wanted to be happy and be the best version of myself possible. I am now a little over a year into my journey and I will tell you this hasn’t been easy, especially in the beginning. There were days where I wanted to give up. There were days where I didn’t meet my goals and ridiculed myself for it. There were days where I sunk back into my old ways.

And those were the days that I decided that instead of putting myself down I was going to pour a little bit of extra love into myself. Self care puts me back on track every single time.

What no one talks about is the unbelievable loneliness that comes when you embark upon this journey. You must disconnect to reconnect with yourself.

The greatest benefit is that when you learn to love yourself everything else falls into place. You upgrade your mindset. 

When faced with challenges I used to ask myself, “Why is this happening to me?” I now ask myself, “What lesson is the universe trying to teach me?” If you’re too busy to tune in to the lesson, you will continue to be tested. 

I used to want to work out to look good, which honestly was not sustainable enough to keep me consistent. The purpose has to be higher than that. I realized that I wanted to move my body because I have learned to love and honor it. I realized that I wanted to work out because it made me feel good. This mindset taught me discipline which translated to consistency in the gym and other areas of my life.

My point is if you find that you are just existing in this world and not truly living up to the person you know you can be then I urge you to assess your life and all the areas you’d like to improve.

What habits do you need to break? Who and what do you need to purge? What is it that makes you truly happy? And if you still can’t answer any of those questions, then try pouring a little bit of extra love into your own cup because that’s the stuff you want flowing over to the people around you and to the world.

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Thank you so much for reading. If you enjoyed this article, you may also enjoy The Journey to Self Love. Thoughts or comments down below!

Love & Light,

Cindy Natalia